I haven't posted on here lately. But I felt a need to write about what God is showing me currently. Before I begin on specifics of that, however, I will start with explaining the title of this entry. Conviction and joy don't typically go in the same sentence together, yet to me, I am realizing that they run more and more parallel than perpendicular. Conviction from God can often be like a dagger to the heart: hitting on places we had hidden away, pulling out the garbage we keep to ourselves, or reiterating a point that needs to be engraved into the very being of who we are. It's painful, it hurts, and yet it brings so much joy. It brings joy in knowing that when the Lord reaches deep within us and pulls out the junk, that He is transforming us more into our true selves as children of the one true King. And it brings joy in knowing that the more He brings us to that point, the more He is enabling us (by His power alone) to touch the lives of others. When we are weak, He truly is strong!
Tonight I was once again reading The Hole in Our Gospel. For as long ago and as many times as I have begun this book, I should have read it 20 times over by now. Yet I haven't, because it convicts me with every paragraph. Tonight, the following verse stuck out to me like a sore thumb.
"If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him?" 1 John 3:17
Ouch.
God has been gently reminding me of the need of others in the recent months. Yet tonight, I stopped dead in my tracks. For another night, I had to postpone finishing the chapter because this verse has hit me so hard. When I was in Africa, my life was based around helping others around me. It revolved around God and TRUE religion that the Bible talks about. And now I am in America, yet it's just hitting me how this country is a 180 difference from there. Or maybe it's just how I choose to live. From community to being alone, from ministry to a desk, from loving on children to crying at their pictures.
Honestly, we I left Africa, I thought life in America was what I wanted. Really, my life here is good. I have a steady (enough) job, I'm making money, I have more clothes and shoes and stuff than I could ever need, I have a car, I don't have to pay rent... the list could go on and on. Yet I am realizing more each day how much I miss living in simplicity. Where I had one shelf of clothing in a closet (maybe a 2' box, at max), I would wear the same outfits every week, internet was something special once a week (not my whole life as it becomes here), and I had a community of friends and fellow believers around me who were there for me no matter what. I miss going every day into life with a purpose (though I managed to focus so much on serving God's people that I wasn't spending so much time with Him). I miss the simplicity of loving with everything in me and being able to see opportunities around me to serve every.single.day.
Here I am, surrounded by a "Good American Life". And I would give nothing more than to give it all away to be back with my African family (teammates, ministries, friends). What is the purpose of all this stuff surrounding me? Do I really need it? Was it worth the money? The more I think about it, the more God points out to me that all this stuff just becomes a hindrance between me and Him. The more I have, the less I am willing to part with, and the more that's available, the more I allow it to take priority in my life.
Everything around me will fade away. And I need it to somehow. Either in God taking it from me, or God taking me from it and bringing me back to a place of simplicity like it was in Africa. I miss it, I need it. Lord, take my life and make it Your's. Help me to rely on You alone and bring you back to my top priority.
In Ephesians, it says, "And God raised us up with Christ and seated us
with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus" (Ephesians 2:6). In
spirit, we are already in the heavenly realms with in Jesus just as we
were crucified and raised with him.
So, how does that reflect my life? When I read this, I pictured myself
seated in heaven, in the throne room. Then, I pictured what that would
look like while I was living my life here. This is where it gets
difficult to explain, but I will try. When I am living my life on earth
for myself, seemingly oblivious to God, His kingdom, any of the like,
then my spirit in the throne room is oblivious to what is going on in
the throne room. It's like if I were seated next to Jesus, and instead
of taking in His glory, His power, all of who He is, and I just sat
there in a zone, with no focus on Him and all on myself. How ridiculous
would that be?
But isn't that how I often live? With the focus on me and not on God. With what I want, my thoughts, my hurts, my life.
"You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world
is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world
becomes an enemy of God." James 4:4
Have I become an enemy of God? Bluntly, yes. From the way I live my
life, from the focus I put on myself, I am living in the world, I am a
part of the world, I enjoy certain things of the world (though not the
"worst" of the world, but "...whoever keeps the whole law and yet
stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it." James
2:10).
I have become a friend of the world. Seeking quick fixes and momentary
pleasure instead of painful processes resulting in eternal joy. I know
in my heart that friendship with God is better than anything the world
could provide, yet I've allowed myself to conform to the world, to
blend in here, to just live rather than be alive.
But listen, "God jealously longs for the spirit that he made to live in
us". James 4:5 Going back to being in the throne room. With us there,
we have the Spirit in us. And whether we are absent minded or fully
focused, God desires the Holy Spirit. And He placed His spirit in each
of us. So, not only are we withholding ourselves from God, but we are
withholding His spirit from Him too. Maybe that's why He desires us to
be either hot or cold, to either hold His spirit or not (Revelation
3:15).
I am currently reading Richard Stearns' new book The Hole in Our Gospel.
To begin with, if you haven't heard of it, look into it. If you have heard of it, please read it! I am hardly into it, but it is tearing me apart, in a good way. It's making me miss South Africa so much, making me want to go back to ministry immediately, and really helping me to take a good look at my heart and my life: my priorities and idols, my thoughts and ideals. And bringing me closer to God's heart.
The part of the book I am at right now is discussing the portion of Matthew (chapter 25:31-46) where there is a glimpse of the final judgment, and the sheep will be separated from the goats.
The well-known portion of this Scripture is this:
"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me."
And here is how Richard Stearns paraphrased it, to reflect our world today...
"For I was hungry, while you had all you needed. I was thirsty, but you drank bottled water. I was a stranger, and you wanted me deported. I needed clothes, but you needed more clothes. I was sick, and you pointed out the behaviors that led to my sickness. I was in prison, and you said I was getting what I deserved." Richard Stears' paraphrase of Matthew 25
Sunday, April 5th, my teammate and friend, Sarah Buller, passed away in a car accident on her way from Port Elizabeth to Jeffreys Bay, South Africa. The details aren't so important, but what is important is the life she lived and the legacy she has left.
Sarah was one of those people who could immediately put a smile on your face whenever she entered a room. She lived her life with a passion that no one and nothing could ever quench. And her love for God was so evident in the way she loved the people around her.
I never once thought that the last time I saw her would truly be the last time I would see her. I said goodbye for the few months it would be, not the goodbye until I join her with our Father. I never told her how much she meant to me, how much I love this girl who went from stranger to sister in a matter of months.
I've been trying to hold it together. Then it all comes flooding back to me. Half the time, it still doesn't seem real. Half the time I think I'll still be seeing her soon, seeing her smile, getting a warm hug, and hearing her over-exaggerated Minnesota accent. However, it is all memories now.
But, oh how thankful I am that I have those memories. Here are a few I hold very dearly:
*Driving to Cape Town and Sarah belting out to the African Christmas music
*Whenever she saw me at UCSA, she would yell, "MINNESOTA" across the compound. My fellow Minnesotan,
*Sarah was my secret santa this Christmas. I don't know how she managed it, but she put pieces of paper all over my bunk that said, "Beautiful" on each on. Nothing more, nothing less, just "Beautiful". Sarah loved to encourage everyone in any way she could.
Those are so few of the memories I can remember. But it is late, and my mind is still scattered. Until later, here is the song that I keep listening to. This will forever be a song that reminds me of Sarah when I hear it:
With Hope - Steven Curtis Chapman
This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...
We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again
And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...
We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...
So we can cry with hope
And say goodbye with hope
We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope
My sister and friend. You will forever hold a very special place in my heart that will never be filled by anyone but you. I love you and miss you dearly. You are in my hearts and my thoughts and my mind. Always, forever.
Crazy! In a good way. I don't even know how to begin describing this past week to you. It has been filled with intense revelations from God, a lot of Him speaking and me finally understanding. It's been a week of highs and lows and God coming through no matter what. It's God's peace, and patience. And most importantly, God's love.
I'm not sure how to put this week into words really, other than to say that God is amazing. Stand and look at Him in awe for awhile, for who He is and what He created. Come to His feet to worship Him and seek Him wholeheartedly. I promise you, you will not regret it!
In discipleship, we are reading Francis Chan's book Crazy Love. If you have never heard of Francis Chan before, I highly recommend that you look into reading his book or listening to some of his sermons through podcasts. This man has such a knowledge about and wisdom from God.
I have been listening to his podcasts most of this semester, and have never been so convicted with a desire to change than I am after listening to each message. The focus is completely on God and what we can do to seek more of His face.
It's nice to have a book to read, rather than just the podcasts, so I have everything laid out in front of me to look at and go back to and write all over (my book is covered in writing... already, and it's only week one!). It's about the love that God has for us, one we can't comprehend, but somehow can begin to grasp pieces of it through Him. A love that is so undeserved yet given to us anyway. Francis focuses a lot on the awe aspect of God. How big and holy and powerful and... God is.
Anyway, I highly recommend this book... and his podcasts! That's all for now!
In order to be who we were meant to be in Christ, we need to leave the bottle behind and grow in Him. We need to seek Him more and be in fellowship with other believers, we need to open up and allow Him to change us, and often ask Him to ruin us so that we can rid ourselves of who we are and become who He has called us to be. In focusing on the word "maturity" this week, I have come to the conclusion that one way of being mature in Christ is to be a doer of the Word. Now, I know that might be obvious, but if it is so, then why do we struggle with it so much?
Maturity is picking your battles wisely, it's learning when to listen and when to speak, it's following what God is asking you to do, it's knowing what you need to do and doing it (because if you don't, it is a sin just as much as doing something you know to be wrong), it's learning to fight when you need to fight and allowing God to fight for you when it is His time, it's listening to what God is saying to you. Maturity is having quiet time on your own, it's finding time to pray and praying throughout the day, it's accepting who you are through the eyes of God and forgetting who the world says you are. Maturity is speaking up when you don't feel you have the strength to, and standing up even if you're alone. Maturity is taking steps of faith and taking risks even though you might fail. Maturity is becoming who you've been called to be, and accepting that.
I don't know, the more I think about it, the more I realize how spiritually immature I am a lot of times. I'm realizing that I need to cling to God a lot more, and let go of the grip I have on myself. But at the same time, I'm realizing how much I have matured over the past few months of being here in South Africa. And I am excited to see what God has in store for me today and tomorrow, and the next day and the next and...
These are the eyes of my children at Ithemba. I've learned that when people say eyes are the window to the soul, that it's very true. They can speak volumes. I've come to the conclusion that African eyes are some of the most beautiful I have ever seen, though that may be because it's the first time I've ever paid attention to them.
Anyway, these are the children I work with. And from their eyes I can name them, I can describe to you their personality. Maybe it's because I know them, but I think it has a lot to do with what their eyes say about them.
There's Sive on the far, top left with the wide eye. She is a beautiful little troublemaker. Always antsy and on the run. On the far, middle right you have Neesha. A loving little girl with bright eyes and a huge smile. And on the bottom middle there is Awonke. A little girl who never says much, but always has the biggest smile to greet you with.
Looking at these pictures reminds me how little attention I pay to the details. How I could stop and look into the eyes of the children I work with and realize more of how they are feeling. How I don't just stop to take in the beauty because I'm always running around, trying to get this and that done. God didn't create people with such beauty to just be overlooked. He didn't create us so that we can use each other or overlook each other or just to find love in one another. He created us to reveal His glory. For His magnificence to be known just by looking at creation, by looking at the eyes of a child.
Maybe this is a reminder more for myself, but remember to stop working so hard, remember to stop running from one task to the next. Remember to sit down, to relax, and to take in the beauty of God that is all around you. Remember the eyes of Ithemba.
Okay, I believe my ministry is now at a place where it will not be changing, so I figured I would post an updated schedule of what I am doing weekly.
Morning Afternoon Evening
Sunday church - Nation Celebration
Monday discipleship Ithemba -
Tuesday Ithemba Ithemba -
Wednesday Discipleship Ithemba -
Thursday Ithemba Ithemba -
Friday Off Off Simunye Youth @ Ithemba
Saturday Family Ministry Off -
I am now working twice a week all day at Ithemba. In the mornings, there are the creche (daycare age) kids and I help out, rotating between the classes (there are three classes: the young children, the older Afrikaans children, and the older Xhosa children). I also help to play outside and initiate games with the kids and correct their papers when they are finished in class. Then I continue my normal day at 1pm teaching my 2nd and 3rd graders.
