I haven't posted on here lately.  But I felt a need to write about what God is showing me currently.  Before I begin on specifics of that, however, I will start with explaining the title of this entry.  Conviction and joy don't typically go in the same sentence together, yet to me, I am realizing that they run more and more parallel than perpendicular.  Conviction from God can often be like a dagger to the heart: hitting on places we had hidden away, pulling out the garbage we keep to ourselves, or reiterating a point that needs to be engraved into the very being of who we are.  It's painful, it hurts, and yet it brings so much joy.  It brings joy in knowing that when the Lord reaches deep within us and pulls out the junk, that He is transforming us more into our true selves as children of the one true King.  And it brings joy in knowing that the more He brings us to that point, the more He is enabling us (by His power alone) to touch the lives of others.  When we are weak, He truly is strong!

 

Tonight I was once again reading The Hole in Our Gospel.  For as long ago and as many times as I have begun this book, I should have read it 20 times over by now.  Yet I haven't, because it convicts me with every paragraph.  Tonight, the following verse stuck out to me like a sore thumb.

 

"If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him?" 1 John 3:17

 

Ouch.

 

God has been gently reminding me of the need of others in the recent months.  Yet tonight, I stopped dead in my tracks.  For another night, I had to postpone finishing the chapter because this verse has hit me so hard.  When I was in Africa, my life was based around helping others around me.  It revolved around God and TRUE religion that the Bible talks about.  And now I am in America, yet it's just hitting me how this country is a 180 difference from there.  Or maybe it's just how I choose to live.  From community to being alone, from ministry to a desk, from loving on children to crying at their pictures. 

 

Honestly, we I left Africa, I thought life in America was what I wanted.  Really, my life here is good.  I have a steady (enough) job, I'm making money, I have more clothes and shoes and stuff than I could ever need, I have a car, I don't have to pay rent...  the list could go on and on.  Yet I am realizing more each day how much I miss living in simplicity.  Where I had one shelf of clothing in a closet (maybe a 2' box, at max), I would wear the same outfits every week, internet was something special once a week (not my whole life as it becomes here), and I had a community of friends and fellow believers around me who were there for me no matter what.  I miss going every day into life with a purpose (though I managed to focus so much on serving God's people that I wasn't spending so much time with Him).  I miss the simplicity of loving with everything in me and being able to see opportunities around me to serve every.single.day.

 

Here I am, surrounded by a "Good American Life".  And I would give nothing more than to give it all away to be back with my African family (teammates, ministries, friends).  What is the purpose of all this stuff surrounding me?  Do I really need it?  Was it worth the money?  The more I think about it, the more God points out to me that all this stuff just becomes a hindrance between me and Him.  The more I have, the less I am willing to part with, and the more that's available, the more I allow it to take priority in my life.

 

Everything around me will fade away.  And I need it to somehow.  Either in God taking it from me, or God taking me from it and bringing me back to a place of simplicity like it was in Africa.  I miss it, I need it.  Lord, take my life and make it Your's.  Help me to rely on You alone and bring you back to my top priority.